Pride and Prejudice and Kitties, стр. 11

THE NEXT DAY opened a new scene at Longbourn. Mr. Collins solicited a private audience with Lizzy who, however, endeavored to scamper away.

“Lizzy, I insist upon your staying and hearing Mr. Collins!” ordered Mrs. Bennet.

As soon as they were alone, Mr. Collins said to Lizzy: “Believe me, my dear Miss Elizabeth, that your modesty, so far from doing you any disservice, rather adds to your other purrfections.”

The next moment, Mr. Collins’s animal instincts got the best of him, for he ran away after a mouse that had scurried under a chair. He soon recollected himself, however.

“Almost as soon as I entered the house, I singled you out as the companion of my future life,” he assured Lizzy solemnly. “Twice,” continued he, “has Lady Cat condescended to meow pointedly (unprovoked too!) on this subject; and it was but the very Saturday night before I left Hunsford—while we batted about a spool of thread—that she said, ‘Mr. Collins, you must marry. Choose properly, choose a pure-bred for my sake; and for your own, let her be an active, useful sort of cat, able to make a small rodent go a good way. This is my advice. Find such a creature as soon as you can, bring her to Hunsford, and I will visit her.’”

“You will find her breeding beyond anything I can describe,” Mr. Collins continued, “and your frisks and capers, I think, must be acceptable to her, especially when tempered with the silence and subjection which her rank will inevitably excite.”

Lizzy hastened to decline the honor of his paw, but Mr. Collins chose to see her refusal as a lady-like game of cat and mouse.

“I am perfectly serious in my refusal,” cried she, batting a ball under the couch. “On my honor, I am not toying with you!”

Mr. Collins persisted in believing that Elizabeth meant to increase his love by suspense, according to the practice of elegant felines.

Exasperated, Lizzy decided she must apply to her father, whose behavior at least could not be mistaken for affectation and coquetry.

“My reasons for marrying are, first, that I think it a right thing for every clergyman in easy circumstances (like myself) to set the example of matrimony in his parish. Secondly, that I am convinced it will add very greatly to my happiness; and thirdly—which perhaps I ought to have mentioned earlier, that it is the particular advice and recommendation of the very noble lady whom I have the honour of calling patroness. Twice has she condescended to give me her opinion (unasked too!) on this subject; and it was but the very Saturday night before I left Hunsford—between our pools at quadrille, while Mrs. Jenkinson was arranging Miss de Bourgh’s foot-stool, that she said, ‘Mr. Collins, you must marry. A clergyman like you must marry. Choose properly, choose a gentlewoman for my sake; and for your own, let her be an active, useful sort of person, not brought up high, but able to make a small income go a good way. This is my advice. Find such a woman as soon as you can, bring her to Hunsford, and I will visit her.’ Allow me, by the way, to observe, my fair cousin, that I do not reckon the notice and kindness of Lady Catherine de Bourgh as among the least of the advantages in my power to offer. You will find her manners beyond any thing I can describe; and your wit and vivacity I think must be acceptable to her, especially when tempered with the silence and respect which her rank will inevitably excite. Thus much for my general intention in favour of matrimony; it remains to be told why my views were directed towards Long-bourn instead of my own neighbourhood, where I assure you there are many amiable young women. But the fact is, that being, as I am, to inherit this estate after the death of your honoured father, (who, however, may live many years longer,) I could not satisfy myself without resolving to choose a wife from among his daughters, that the loss to them might be as little as possible, when the melancholy event takes place—which, however, as I have already said, may not be for several years. This has been my motive, my fair cousin, and I flatter myself it will not sink me in your esteem. And now nothing remains for me but to assure you in the most animated language of the violence of my affection.”

Wait, Cousin Elizabeth! I have not yet assured you of the violence of my affection!

MRS. BENNET POUNCED on Mr. Collins as soon as he was alone in the room. She was alarmed, however, upon hearing of Lizzy’s refusal.

“Lizzy is a foolish cat and does not know dry food from wet,” she cried. Then she hastened to Mr. Bennet’s library and jumped up on his chair, which she often used as a scratching post. She began to sharpen her claws energetically.

Help, we are all in an uproar!

“Mr. Bennet, we are all in an uproar!” she screeched. “Lizzy has scampered away from Mr. Collins and now Mr. Collins threatens to run away from Lizzy!”

Mr. Bennet called the defiant Lizzy to his library.

“And so,” he said, “you refuse to become the future companion of Mr. Collins; you decline the honor of making up a foursome at quadrille with her Ladyship?”

Elizabeth affirmed that she did.

To her relief, her father took her side. He then calmly requested that his wife remove her claws from his chair and allow him to curl up quietly by himself. This distressed Mrs. Bennet greatly. All her future plans for comfort and security had been cruelly