Topsy Turvy Kinda Love, стр. 57
“Hey, this is not your fault. It takes two to make a baby. You didn’t get yourself knocked up, pretty sure I helped with that part.”
“I know, but I still feel like this all got so screwed up.”
I want to demand that we get married, that she let me make an honest woman of her. All of my church lessons pound my brain, saying she can’t be an unwed mother, but Mia hasn’t even told me she loves me yet. So marriage is out of the question. I know she’ll explode if I even suggest it. She looks over my face, trying to get a read on me.
Endless blue tear-filled eyes find mine. “What are you thinking, Brooks?”
“Everything in my gut is screaming, let’s get married tomorrow, but I won’t ask. You don’t love me, and you’re not ready, so it would be pointless to even suggest such a thing.”
Mia removes her hands from my grip, and time slams to a halt. She slowly inches away from me on the couch. I know in an instant I’d fucked up. That wasn’t the right thing to say, but it’s true. She wouldn’t say yes to me. “What, so I’m not even worthy of a simple wedding proposal because I went and got myself knocked up? Is that what you’re saying?”
“Shit, no. That came out all sorts of wrong, Mia. I love you. I would marry you in an instant. When I marry you, I want you to know that it’s not because I knocked you up. Marrying me is not dependent on having a child together. I want you forever. Always. So when I ask you to marry me, Mia, you’re going to know I’m all in. Talking about forever.”
“Well, isn’t that romantic. You’re right, Brooks, I wouldn’t have said yes, but at least I would’ve had the chance to voice my opinion on it before you just shut it down without even asking me first. You made the decision for me.”
I furrow my eyebrows. “You can’t even tell me you love me, Mia. You don’t want us to be labeled. Any time the word boyfriend is mentioned, you lash out. What are we doing, Mia? Am I just your fuck toy when I’m convenient? You’re close to me in the apartment, but outside of it, I’m just a roommate. Shred that inner badass and let me in a little. You either want this, or you don’t. I won’t be your fucking secret, Mia. I won’t let you do that to me.”
She shoves off the couch and stands up, pointing at me, a tear slipping down her cheek again. “I don’t believe in love. You know that.”
I scoff, “It’s not love that holds you back. No. It’s the fear that you’re going to let someone in and give them your heart and they’re going to destroy it. Well, you don’t have to worry about that with me, Mia. You want to know why? Because here’s the fucking truth, if your heart gets destroyed mine will be shredded on the floor right beside yours.”
Her shoulders shake with quiet tears. “I’m freaking out, Brooks.”
“And you think I’m not? I’m terrified.”
“I’m not ready to be a mother.”
“Look at me, Mia. I’m not ready to be a father, but we’re in this now. We will figure this out together. Nothing about us has been normal. We went from friends to roommates to a sex bucket list. We’ve both spent so much time running that now we have a reason to stay. A reason other than the fact that I want this with you. Plus, I think you’ll be a great mom.”
“Great mother, but not wife material?”
I swallow the bile creeping up my throat. “Just stop, okay? Don’t twist my words. I’m just saying we aren’t ready for that step yet. I want to make you happy, and I thought by not asking I was keeping us from going here, to fighting. I don’t want to fight, Mia. I don’t want us to have regrets either. A forced marriage may make you hate me, and I’m not willing to take the chance.”
I get up and walk over to where she’s standing, but she steps back her hands on her flat stomach. Reality hits hard when I realize that she’s now growing our child. “Can I hold you, please? I need to feel you in my arms.”
“I don’t know, Brooks. My heart and head are such a mess right now. Maybe…maybe we need some time apart to think about all of this stuff…”
A bucket of cold water is dumped over my head. I don’t understand what I did wrong yet again. I keep fucking things up every time I open my mouth. I watch as she walks toward her room.
I sigh, running a hand through my hair. “I’m here when you want to talk, Mia. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll give you space, but please don’t shut me out from our child. I want to be there for both of you. All I want is the chance to make you happy and be there for you and our child. Please.”
She nods her head before closing the door to her room. I wait long enough for the door to click, signaling she’s in for the night before doubling over.
What the hell had I done? My hands slip through my hair, pulling on the ends. The pain burns, but it keeps me grounded. I want to do what is right, and it’d come out every bit wrong. My heart feels like it’s slowly ripping apart at the seams, and for once, I’m not sure I know the outcome of our situation.
She’s having my child.
I want to be there for them. Go to doctor appointments. Get her every food item she craves. Hold her hair while she pukes. Every