Shameless (The Therapist #2), стр. 29

Never in a million years did I expect to bring a random guy back to my place for a hookup. This goes against everything that has been instilled in me by my mother. According to her, no man will want me after tonight, because nobody wants a woman who is tainted with the sin of lustful pleasure. No man wants a whore. The audacity of a woman to think she can just experience pleasure whenever and however she wants. Who does she think she is, a man?

According to Judy Milton, today is the day I’ll no longer be desirable to anyone other than guys looking for easy women to stick their dicks in. Well, if that’s true, I guess I’ll be single forever, but what I won't be is a woman who’s naive and doesn't know what she wants. I won't be a woman who doesn't know how to or is afraid to experience pleasure because of outside judgement.

“You can have a seat,” I tell Eric as I walk past the couch and head into the kitchen, where a bottle of red wine awaits. I grab it from the top of the fridge and pour two glasses while Eric sits down.

“This is a nice place,” Eric says, getting through the obligatory compliments of my apartment. “You been living here long?”

“A little while,” I answer as I bring the wine glasses into the living room and set them on the wooden coffee table in front of Eric. He grabs his and sips from it before placing it back down, while I pull a few gulps from my own. Unlike Eric, I’m not driving, and I want to let all the way loose. This is a monumental moment for me, and I need all the courage I can get.

I let the alcohol slide down my throat and settle in my stomach. After a couple of glasses at the restaurant, I’m already feeling nice, so this glass should put me in the perfect place to push my inhibitions to the side and say what I’m feeling. I take a deep breath and sit back on the couch, locking eyes with Eric, who struggles to maintain eye contact with me.

“Okay, so I have a confession to make,” I begin, feeling every single nerve in my body. This is like trying to deprogram myself, and breaking the shackles of my mother is harder than people may think. I have a hard time breathing and have to focus. “I wanted you back here tonight for a reason.”

Eric smiles at me sheepishly—a half smile without showing his teeth, because he doesn't want me to know how excited he’s ready to be if my reason for bringing him here is sex.

“What's the reason?” Eric asks, furrowing his brow but still smiling.

“My boyfriend just dumped me,” I admit. “I was with him for two years, and he just ended it so he could travel with his band.”

Eric’s smile fades and all that remains is the furrowed brow and a look of unease. “Wait, so you want to use me to make your ex jealous? Is he going to come here? I don't want any trouble.”

“There won't be any trouble, Eric, I promise. My ex is long gone. He's not around to be made jealous, so that’s not what this is. I wanted you here tonight because after getting out of that relationship, I’m anxious to find myself, and I'm anxious to do what I want to do. I know I’m risking being slut shamed for putting myself out there like this, but I don't care. I’m a grown woman, and I want to sleep with whoever I choose to sleep with, whenever I choose. This isn't a rebound thing, it’s a what-I-wanna-do thing. I’m celebrating my right to choose my own life, and tonight I choose you.”

Eric looks like he just saw a ghost. Not a normal ghost, though. A ghost that has scared him, but one he wants to fuck.

“I won't give you the wrong impression or make you think that we’ll go on to get married after this. It’s not like that. This is about sex for me, and if you can't have sex with me without needing a commitment, that’s fine. You can leave right now. If you are okay with casual sex tonight, I’m right here. Just like it was my choice to sleep with you, it’s your choice whether you're interested or not. No pressure, and no judgement.”

Eric clears his throat and shakes his head as if he's worried this might be a dream and he needs to try to wake up before going forward. After he gathers himself, realizing he’s actually awake, Eric’s smile returns.

“Yeah, okay,” he mumbles. “I’m definitely okay with that. Umm, wow. I… I don't know what to say. You want to just start right now?”

I exhale a loud sigh of relief. When I started my little speech, I wasn’t sure what would happen once I was done. I didn’t know if he would judge me, call me a whore, and stomp out the door. I half expected my mother to be right and for Eric’s face to shift into hers as he scolded me about promiscuity. But I’m relieved to find that Eric is okay with this decision. If he is judging me, he isn't willing to let that judgement keep him from having sex tonight.

Instead of waiting for Eric to figure it out, I lean forward and kiss him. Our lips press together, and I use my liquid courage to be the aggressor. My tongue slips out and parts his mouth, and I can tell he’s taken aback, unaccustomed to a woman taking what she wants instead of waiting for a man to lead the way. Nonetheless, I surge forward. If he decides to back off because he’s not ready, I will press the brakes and let him leave me behind. However, since Eric opens his mouth and lets his tongue caress mine,