Parchman, стр. 17
‘You’re wrong darling. You look at everything like it’s black and white. Well itisn’t. I ain’t never had anything handed to me on a plate. You thinkit was easy getting on this base? It wasn’t. I didn’t have no clever daddywho wasfriends with the President. If it wasn’t for me fighting for myselfthen no-one was going to do it for me. I fought, just like all those littlemonsters in your head are fighting and telling you to pull that trigger, andin the end I did what I knew I could live with doing. I pulled that triggerover and over again until I knew I was safe.
If I were sat where you were I would take that gun put it up to my headand make sure there was no chance you would ever see my face ever again.But you can’t. You’re not me and you know that if you put a bullet throughmy head you won’t just see my face today, tomorrow or the next day. Youwill see my face every single day for the rest of your life and that’s whatmakes us different.
Somewhere along the line I just switched it off. No emotions, just survival.So next time you tell me I’m the monster look at yourself. You spent themajority of your young years living a life of luxury in a world that Icouldn’t even begin to believe existed until I killed to become a part of it.’
Tallulah looked aghast at McGregor. She watched a tear roll down his faceand for a split second she felt anger and then sorrow. She realized that onceupon a time McGregor was a normal person with a family, a job and a life.Way before The Cure he had loved and been loved.
‘Who did you lose?’ she said.
‘Look,’ he said. ‘I’ve done bad things. I know I’m not a good person, butI didn’t want to go to that reservoir and kill the boy. I truly wanted him togive himself up and come back to the base. That’s not to say I wouldn’thave done what needed to be done but it was never my intention to gothere simply to kill him.’
‘Who did you lose?’ Tallulah repeated.
‘You really want to know? I mean you really want to hear yet another sadstory?’ said McGregor.
‘Yes, make me understand the things you did.’
‘OK, you want it you got it. I lost a wife, two boys and a baby daughter,’he replied. ‘It was only three years after The Cure. Two addicts sneakedin our apartment through the fire escape. Looking for food. I was workinglate at my construction job, as always trying to keep our heads abovewater, and my wife confronted them. They literally got away with foureggs. That what my family’s lives were worth. Four eggs. I got home andthe police had already been and gone. Nothing they could do and no-onethey could spare to investigate it. Like thousands all over the countrymurdered for the price of a pretzel.’
‘That’s awful. I’m so sorry,’ said Tallulah. ‘It’s no wonder….’, shestopped herself.
‘It’s no wonder I became a monster?’ said McGregor. He snorted. ‘Yeah,I agree. I spent my whole life running away from my abusive father tofinally become someone I could be proud of. Someone who could showmy kids what a father should really act like, and then in less than tenminutes everything was taken away from me.
My baby girl was in her cot. She didn’t see anything,and she couldn’thave told the cops anything even if she had. My boys both had knifewounds on their hands where they tried to fight them off. So I spent thenext year looking for them. Not for revenge but to ask them why? I lostmy job, my apartment, everything.
Then one day when I was walking down an alleyway I looked down andsaw the necklace I gave my wife on our wedding night. Just lying there inthe street. That’s when I saw them. Two men, filthy with dirt and proppedup against the wall covered in cardboard. The anger coursed through my veins and into my fists. They were both strung out on drugsand didn’tknow what hit them. I just remember my hands afterwards; covered inblood and bits of bone cutting into my knuckles. They no longer resembledhuman beings after I was done with them. I was sick straight afterwards.
But as I went over to retrieve the necklace there was a further man on theother side of the road coming towards me, swaying from side to side andclearly drunk, with a short stocky man behind him. He started shouting atme.‘Hey, that necklace is mine pal. I dropped it’. I knew then that I hadkilled the wrong two men. They were innocent. I was so enraged and notthinking straight that I had just wanted revenge at any cost. I ran awayfrom the actual men who killed my family without the answer I craved,and I never looked back. Soon after that I moved to Boston.
Not one night goes by that I don’t feel a pain in my hands where I killedthose homeless guys. After that night I told myself I would never ever feelguilt for anything, and I didn’t.’
Tallulah was in tears.
‘Don’t cry for me darling. I don’t deserve your tears. The best you can do for me is leave me that gun with one bullet and never look back.’
‘Maybe things aren’t so black and white McGregor,’ Tallulah said whilstgetting to her feet. She looked back at the man with an overwhelmingsense of