The Heart of the Jungle, стр. 31

"Did you explain all of this to him?"

"A hundred times."

"And he refused to accept it?"

Jason nodded.

"Then it's his problem to work out. If you told him the truth and he won't take a hint, there's not much more you can do, right?"

"I wasn't entirely honest," Jason said hesitantly.

"What do you mean?"

He opened his mouth to speak but struggled with words. Once again, he was afraid of what Chris might think. "I tried and tried to push him away, hoping he'd just walk out, but he wouldn't give up. So I did something completely dishonest. Despicable, really."

"It couldn't be as bad as all that."

"I had an affair," Jason said. "And I told him that I was in love with the other person."

Jason stole a glance at Chris's face. He could see no recrimination in his expression. After a moment, Chris touched his hand and smiled softly, reassuringly. "It's not like you chopped him up and put him in the freezer. You were trying to get out. It's not so uncommon."

Jason turned to face Chris. He tucked a fisted hand between his cheek and the seat and pulled up one leg. "You make it sound like it was no big deal."

Chris chuckled softly. "Don't get me wrong. I believe in fidelity--- old-fashioned sensibilities, you know. It is a big deal. But that doesn't mean I don't understand why you did it." He looked away shyly, as if recalling some shame of his own. "I've been there too. I was getting tired of Michael's rules and nitpicking, near the end. I kept doing things I knew would annoy him. I think I was hoping he'd pick a fight with me that would end our relationship. You do all kinds of unthinkable things when you're feeling trapped."

"Why didn't you just leave?"

"I could ask you the same question." He considered briefly and then said, "I was probably afraid. I had Brianna to think about, and even though he wasn't much of a parent, he was a safety net."

Jason's jaw muscle contracted as his thoughts turned inward. "I don't know if I'm capable of real love. I've had plenty of relationships, but never anything meaningful. My mother is at wits' end over it."

Chris's brows drew together and he looked off into the distance.

"Love's a pretty elusive thing. I don't know if it really exists---at least not the fairy tale version you see in the movies or read about in books. I cared for Michael, but there were never any fireworks."

"Maybe," Jason said. "Maybe not. I think it's out there---just... it's out there for other people. You have to be lucky, or worthy, or... something else that I'm not. Maybe you and I are just good at avoiding it."

"Really?" Chris raised an eyebrow.

"We're afraid to be consumed, afraid of rejection, afraid of getting burned---all the usual reasons. Deep down we're just a couple of chickens." He made a clucking noise.

Chris laughed. "I'm having a hard time believing the insensitive Jason Kingsley could have just spoken those words."

"No teasing, I'm pouring my heart out here."

Chris looked down, and his cheeks colored. "I'm sorry. I really am." He looked back up, his eyes twinkling with humor. He squeezed Jason's hand in encouragement. "So you think that the reason we---you and I---have had such a hard time falling in love isn't that love is a sham, but that we've been avoiding it? Interesting."

"That's where I am, anyway. Maybe you too. I don't know. I think we're more alike than you realize."

Chris was quiet for a moment as he thought it through. "Maybe you're right. Although, I just don't think I have those needs. I've always been pretty independent."

"That's what I've always told myself too. That I can manage without it," Jason agreed. "But don't you think there's something missing? Something more?"

Chris pulled his hand away. He visibly stiffened. "Oh, there is. If you ever have kids, you'll understand." He was sidestepping, and they both knew it.

"It's not the same," Jason argued.

Chris looked away. "It's enough for me."

Jason's hand closed back over his, drawing his attention. Chris turned back slowly. His eyes were wary.

Jason asked, "Are you sure?"

Instead of answering, Chris changed the subject again. "How's your head?" He extracted his hand and reached out to touch the tender spot on Jason's scalp. Jason winced but allowed the examination. Chris said, "Feels like the swelling is going down."

"The headache is mostly gone too, unless I turn my head too quickly."

"Don't turn your head, then."

They laughed.

Strange, Jason thought as he watched Chris lean back into the seat, how these intimate little moments seemed so natural, though they were only slightly more than perfect strangers.

"Thank you," Chris said softly.

Jason turned and smiled. "For what?"

"For giving me hope. Real hope."

"Thank me when you're not in danger anymore. You should really try to get some rest."

Chris yawned. "You're probably right," he mumbled. "I am pretty strung out."

Jason leaned back and squeezed his eyes tightly closed. He was on a freight train, careening down the tracks with no way to stop it or get off.

The more time he spent with Chris, the stronger his feelings grew. Soon, he knew, he would no longer be able to contain them, and he would plunge right over the edge of a cliff.

He couldn't let that happen. Not now, not so soon, not until this was finished. Chris needed him to be focused on the task of keeping them alive. Maybe there would be a time when he could disclose how he felt without holding back, but it wasn't now. The results could be disastrous.

Chris was like a frightened bird. If Jason moved too quickly, the possibility of any kind of a future would take wing and fly forever out of his reach.

The few tender moments they'd shared gave him hope that there was such a possibility, if only he nurtured it and acted with caution.

Gritting his teeth, he leaned back in his seat and tried to relax.

Restfulness proved elusive, however. Chris's nearness seemed to