The Heart of the Jungle, стр. 30

a dream I'd never realize. That, and my parents dying, is what nearly did me in. It just didn't seem like there was any reason to go on. My family was gone, and I'd probably never have one of my own. What was the point?"

"You turned it around."

"Only because I had help. George visited me twice, sometimes three times a week. It was his encouragement that pulled me through more than anything."

"George MacQuery has been a good friend to you, hasn't he?"

"More than you could ever know. My parents were devout Catholics, and we lived in a small town---Snohomish is sort of a bastion for conservative sensibilities. After they found out about who I was, they cut off all contact. George became my father's stand-in. He's been so good to me. Without him, I don't think I would have pulled through, even with therapy. Losing your parents is tough but something that you know is going to happen one day. Losing mine the way I did was much more difficult."

"How did they die?"

"It was an accident," Chris said sadly. "There were some mechanical issues with their car. It was just one of those freak things. It was weird because Dad was always very diligent about maintenance. Anyway, they went over a cliff on Stevens Pass. The roads were icy, and... he must have lost control. They were never really able to piece it all together."

"You don't think it was foul play, do you?"

Chris's eyes widened in shock. "No, I don't think so. My father wasn't anyone important. He was a history professor. My mom was a housewife. Who would have wanted to kill them? And for what? They were simple people and didn't have much of anything---what little they did have, they gave to charity. After the estate was liquidated, I was just able to pay off their debts and make sure they had a nice funeral. All I really have left of them are some letters my dad wrote to me. I've never been able to bring myself to read them."

Jason leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes. "Were there any legal complications after Jeannie left?"

"A few. George took care of everything. It's all a blur, really. Thing is, I imagined a million ways that I might one day have children, but never in my wildest dreams did I think it would play out the way it did." He paused, closing his eyes as if remembering. When he spoke again, his voice was soft and filled with wonder. "You know something, though? When I took Brianna in my arms the first time...." He choked up again and swallowed hard. Tears returned to his eyes, and he continued, "When she wrapped her tiny, perfect hand around my finger... all of the sudden, I became a whole person. The emptiness was all filled up. I knew that I was holding onto something extraordinary."

The tears overflowed and dripped onto his cheeks. This time, he allowed them to come. "She was a part of me. Forget the fact that I didn't make her. I knew she belonged to me anyway. It's something you can't put into words---something that's as deep as your soul, like you finally know what it is you were put here to do. It's strange, I know...."

Jason reached out and brushed away a tear. There was an unaccustomed pressure in his own eyes as he became caught up in the intensity of Chris's feeling. "I don't think it's strange at all."

"After she was... taken from me, I didn't know how to make it from one day to the next. I was utterly destroyed. I'm really not sure what's kept me going all this time. Hope, I guess. George called it denial, but a part of me has always known she's still out there somewhere and that this was all just some terrible mistake."

"If she is alive, we'll get her back."

Chris lingered on the earnest promise, his eyes filled with gratitude.

"I... I believe you."

They remained fixed on each other as Jason's heart ached for Chris's loss. Chris's cheeks were damp from weeping, and his eyes shone brilliant emerald from the wash of his tears. Jason was awestruck.

There was great depth and sorrow in those eyes, but great strength too.

God, I wish I could hold him. I wish I could just take it all away.

As if sensing the direction of Jason's thoughts, Chris changed the subject. "Who were you talking to in the car? It sounded serious."

Jason waved his hand dismissively. "Bradley. There isn't much to say, really." He half smiled. "I didn't think you were paying attention."

"I was trying not to."

"We used to be a couple. I guess you'd call it that."

"But it's over?"

"A long time ago, at least from my perspective. He's having a more difficult time letting go."

"What went wrong?"

Jason was hesitant. He could have given a hundred reasons that weren't really the truth, but he couldn't bring himself to dissemble to Chris. "It's complicated."

"If you don't want to talk about it---"

Jason shook his head. "Under the circumstances, I suppose I owe you an explanation."

"You don't owe me anything."

Jason looked away. Why did it seem so difficult to admit his shortcomings to Chris? Why did he care so much about what he would think? "Our relationship was a farce from the beginning. This might be surprising, but I'm not the easiest person to get close to."

Chris chuckled. "Let me guess: the sensitivity issue?"

Jason smiled. "The thing is, I never had strong feelings for him, and when his needs started to seem like a burden, I acted out. It was strange how it happened. One day I tolerated him, and the next, I couldn't stand the sight of him. He really must have been confused." His jaw muscle twitched. "I still feel guilty about it, but what can I do? I strung him along up until then because I wanted companionship or something, and that was a rotten thing. I think the dishonesty is what I'm most ashamed