All In (Keep Breathing Book 2), стр. 73

“It does suck. It fucking sucks,” I yell. I go to reach for the pills in his hands and he steps back. The pills rattle around in the bottle and it sounds so sweet. My hand slams back onto the bed, and await a better time to attack. “I was used again. This time by my brother. I thought I had everything I ever wanted, but instead, it was a lie because my brother didn’t have the guts to tell the truth and used me to cover up his lies.”

“You know your brother is a selfish son of a bitch. He’s been that way forever. Don’t let him be the one to push you off the wagon. You can still have them.”

“See, I don’t know if I want to have them.”

“You’re full of fucking shit. You’re hurt. Pissed. I get it.”

“You don’t fucking get it,” I roar and jump from the bed, ignoring the rush of pain shooting to my ribs, as I charge again for the pills in Jax’s hand—the ones he brought in here to mock me with. I know his game. We played this game many times before, years ago.

“Sit down,” he shouts, putting his hand on my chest, pushing me back to the bed. “I don’t have to fucking get it, man. What I know is I need you around for when my child is born. I need my best friend. I know you’re in that dark place and you think swallowing all these pills to get high will make you feel better, but the Liam I know, knows it won’t work. The Liam I know hated it there. Holly and Matty might be gone right now, but you still have them. She told you she fucking loved you man. She’s not going to run because you’ve been a dick for a couple of days. But if you really want the pills, here.” He throws the pill bottle at me and they rattle as they land on the bed beside me. “Take them. You are in pain. But if you take them for anything else other than for the pain in your ribs, then you lose your son and lose her. Most of all you’ll lose everything you worked on for the last two and a half years.”

I pick up the pill bottle and clutch it in my hand. I thought I would feel relief holding these, like I won, but as Jax still stands before me, staring down at me, shame washes over me.

“Before I go, another thing to think on—and maybe it’s not right with what I’m about to say, but fuck it. Landon said he didn’t want to be the father, so I say don’t tell her anything. Do what you were doing before; be a dad. You know, a family.”

I stare for hours at the pill bottle. I even take a Vicodin pill out and play with it between my fingers. Jaxson is right; there aren’t enough pills here but to give me a quick high for the day. Not that one taste wouldn’t be enough to whet my appetite to start me on a downward spiral.

The thing is, I can’t bring myself to do it, no matter how tempting it is. I've been going over every scenario of my past, trying to picture a time being high made me happy. Besides the fake euphoria, I got nothing. Sure, I’ll feel numb, and this ache I have deep inside, I won’t feel for a while, but it will always linger. Especially, if I don’t have her and Matty. The pills can’t replace them; they will never be able to fix the hole of her and Matty being gone.

So, there’s only one thing I can do.

I dump the pills down the toilet. All twenty Vicodin sink to the bottom of the bowl and I flush them away.

I pad my way to the living room, feeling like hell, but oddly reinvigorated. I needed to remember how bad it used to be. And the last thing I need is Jaxson living with me again.

River is sitting on Jaxson’s lap and his hand runs over her belly.

“You two are really having a baby?”

“So, the doctor says.” Jax grins proudly, patting her stomach. “All the practicing paid off.” He wiggles his eyebrows at River and she slugs him in the arm.

“You look better,” River comments as she slips off Jax's lap.

“I needed my ass kicked like old times to be reminded of some hard truths. I feel better now.”

“The pills?” Jax asks.

“I flushed them.”

“Good.”

“I’m surprised you gave them to me.”

“I knew you wouldn’t take them. I have more faith in you than you do.” Jax smiles and I nod. He always did.

“The pain is going to suck.”

“It is, but you can handle it, you big ass baby. You did more damage to your collarbone at our wedding and took nothing. You'll be fine with just some cracked ribs.”

I laugh. My dumbass thought I could show off to some girls waterskiing. I tried doing some crazy trick I had no business doing and ended up breaking my collarbone. I refused to take anything and was insane pain for the rest of the trip. Though, the girls I was trying to impress became some great nurses.

“Actually, I was thinking of doing something to help keep my mind off the ribs.”

“Like what?”

“Know any good places to get a tattoo?”

“You want to get a tattoo? You?” Jax laughs. “I thought you would never ink up your precious skin,” he mocks.

“I never fucking said that. I just never knew what I wanted till now.”

Jax eyes me skeptically. “You sure you didn’t take any pills? What are you going to get?”

“Something I'm sure I want to have permanently on me. You