The Survivors, стр. 90

Kieran closed his eyes again, waiting for either the thought or sleep to return. Neither did and as the pre-dawn blue seeped in and Audrey’s breaths grew less steady and more alert, he scooped her out of her cot, grabbed his towel and board shorts and crept through to the kitchen.

Verity was already there.

She was sitting at the table with a single light on and a photo album open in front of her. She hadn’t joined them for dinner the night before, despite both Kieran and Mia knocking on the bedroom door. In the end they had left a plate of food outside in the hall, which had remained untouched until they went to bed. Brian, though, perhaps sensing his moment to rise to the occasion, had been surprisingly compliant and all four, including Audrey, had sat and eaten together for what Kieran thought could be the last time in that house. A little hushed, a little different from how any of them had expected their family to be, but together nonetheless. Kieran had watched Audrey with Brian, the two of them smiling at each other in an instinctive and reflexive display of love. Life going on, like it or not.

Verity looked up from that same kitchen table now as Kieran hovered in the doorway.

‘Mum –’

‘Kieran, I am so sorry.’ Her voice was quiet.

‘Me too.’

Verity’s eyes dropped back to the photo album. The page was open to the instantly recognisable image of Finn and Toby, taken on the day they launched the Nautilus Black, champagne and smiles on the dock.

‘I felt so angry,’ she said. ‘With you.’

‘I know. I am sorry.’

‘I don’t feel that way now.’ Verity lifted her head to face him. ‘Whatever I said yesterday. I really don’t. What happened to Finn wasn’t your fault. Timings or no timings, I’ve always known that. They would have gone out there for anyone in the water when that emergency call came in. In the same situation, Finn would always have made that choice.’

‘It wasn’t anyone in the water, though,’ Kieran said. ‘It was me.’

‘It happened to be you, but that still doesn’t make it your fault.’

Verity beckoned for him to sit down and Kieran pulled out a chair. He could see the photo in front of her. The scene was familiar, but up close he could tell it wasn’t the same shot that had hung as a memorial in the Surf and Turf all those years ago, or even the one that he’d found while he was cleaning out the living room. It was yet a third variation, Finn and Toby turned a little more one way or the other, their smiles caught a split second earlier or later. Minor details, Kieran thought. Not enough to make a real difference. The picture still captured Finn at his happiest.

‘And I don’t know what I can say about that backpack,’ Verity said quietly. ‘Other than that Finn was a good man. I know he was. But us losing him wasn’t your fault, Kieran, and I should have said that years ago. It was a terrible accident, and that’s all it ever was.’ She raised her eyes. ‘I hoped you understood that, but I should have made sure you did.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Actually, no. Even that’s not completely true,’ Verity said suddenly. She ran her thumb over Finn’s photo. ‘I knew you felt responsible. And I let you. There’s no excuse for that. But God, I was just so sad, Kieran. And I was angry with Brian for not coping. I felt like I couldn’t say how hard I was finding it, because he was always struggling enough for the both of us. But we never really blamed you, Kieran. You should know that. We just wanted Finn back.’

‘I am really sorry, though.’ Kieran’s throat and chest felt tight. ‘I wish things had been different.’

‘They could have been different.’ Verity looked down at the photo once more, then turned the page. ‘We could have lost both of you that afternoon. But you’re here, with Mia and Audrey. I still have you, instead of just memories of both my sons stuck in a photo album. And I’m grateful for that every day.’

Kieran leaned over and hugged her, Audrey’s little body solid and warm between them. Verity hugged him back and for the first time in a long time, he felt like she meant it.

‘I heard you talking before about leaving early,’ she said as he pulled away. ‘Please don’t. Not if you don’t want to.’

‘Thanks. I’ll talk to Mia. Either way, it’s good to be here now.’ He could feel the boxes by his feet under the table. He hesitated. It was worth one more try. ‘Move to Sydney, Mum. We can find somewhere up there for Dad. It will make no real difference to him, and it would make a big difference to you. And to us.’

He braced himself for the standard barrage of excuses, but to his surprise Verity reached out and stroked Audrey’s hand. ‘You don’t think I’ve left everything too late?’

‘I really don’t.’ Kieran shook his head. ‘It’s not too late.’

‘No?’ Verity let Audrey’s fingers wrap around her own. ‘Well, maybe it’s not, then.’

Twenty minutes later, Kieran was out on the beach as the sun crept up over the horizon. Audrey lay fed and warm in her sleeping bag on the sand while Kieran ploughed through the waves. For once, he found he was simply enjoying it.

When he got out, his mind felt clearer than it had in a while. He sat on the beach next to Audrey and together they watched the early-morning sunlight glint gold on the water. Audrey smiled as a seagull waddled closer and Kieran took out his phone from under his towel and snapped a couple of photos.

He shielded the screen from the growing glare and scrolled between the pictures, trying to decide which was the best one to send to Mia. Back and forth, back and