Pride and Prejudice and Kitties, стр. 7
Mr. Bennet went on to explain that the mysterious visitor was his cousin, Mr. Collins, who, as soon as Mr. Bennet was dead, could turn the Bennet family out into the hedgerows to scramble for mice on their own.
“Pray do not talk of that odious cat,” hissed Mrs. Bennet. “I do think it is the hardest thing in the world that your estate should be end-tailed away from your own kittens.”
It is the hardest thing in the world that your estate should be end-tailed away from your own kittens.
Jane and Elizabeth tried to explain to their mother the immutable nature of an end-tail. They had often attempted to do it before, but it was a subject on which Mrs. Bennet was beyond the reach of reason.
“It certainly is a most iniquitous affair,” said Mr. Bennet, “and nothing can clear Mr. Collins from the guilt of inheriting Long-bourn. But if you will listen to his letter and his offer of an olive branch, you may perhaps be a little softened by his manner of purring.”
“I think it is very impertinent of him to communicate with you at all,” said Mrs. Bennet. “Why could he not keep on having cat fights with you, as his father did before him?”
Mr. Bennet then proceeded to read Mr. Collins’s letter:
“Dear Sir,
“The constant territorial disputes subsisting between yourself and my late honored father always gave me much uneasiness, and since I have had the misfortune to lose him, I have frequently wished to heal the breach. Therefore, if you should have no objection to receive me into your house, I propose myself the satisfaction of waiting on you and your family.”
Mr. Collins went on to say that he should arrive at Longbourn that very day.
“In point of composition,” observed Mary, “the letter does not seem defective. Though I must say, I prefer a ball of yarn to an olive branch.”
Mr. Collins arrived punctually, duly bearing the olive branch, which Lydia and Kitty immediately leapt at.
Cousin Collins lost no time in complimenting Mrs. Bennet on the beauty of her five kittens.
“Yes, but the poor things will have to fend for themselves when their father dies,” observed Mrs. Bennet. “Mr. Bennet’s estate is settled so oddly.”
“You allude, perhaps, to the end-tail of this estate,” said Mr. Collins, swishing his tail.
“Ah! Sir, I do indeed. There is no knowing how estates will go when once they come to be end-tailed.”
Mr. Collins assured Mrs. Bennet that he came prepared to admire her five daughters and perhaps transport one back to his humble abode in Hunsford, replete with mouse holes fitted up very nicely by his noble patroness, Lady Cat.
Mrs. Bennet’s dinner, too, in its turn, was excessively admired; and he begged to know to which of his fair cousins the excellency of its cooking was owing. But he was set right there by Mrs. Bennet, who assured him with some asperity that they were very well able to keep a good cook, and that her daughters had nothing to do in the kitchen, although, she confessed, Lydia had snagged the goldfish in the pond that morning.
“Dear Sir,
“The disagreement subsisting between yourself and my late honoured father, always gave me much uneasiness, and since I have had the misfortune to lose him, I have frequently wished to heal the breach; but for some time I was kept back by my own doubts, fearing lest it might seem disrespectful to his memory for me to be on good terms with any one with whom it had always pleased him to be at variance... My mind, however, is now made up on the subject, for having received ordination at Easter, I have been so fortunate as to be distinguished by the patronage of the Right Honourable Lady Catherine de Bourgh, widow of Sir Lewis de Bourgh, whose bounty and beneficence has preferred me to the valuable rectory of this parish, where it shall be my earnest endeavour to demean myself with grateful respect towards her ladyship, and be ever ready to perform those rites and ceremonies which are instituted by the Church of England. As a clergyman, moreover, I feel it my duty to promote and establish the blessing of peace in all families within the reach of my influence; and on these grounds I flatter myself that my present overtures of good will are highly commendable, and that the circumstance of my being next in the entail of Longbourn estate, will be kindly overlooked on your side, and not lead you to reject the offered olive-branch. I cannot be otherwise than concerned at being the means of injuring your amiable daughters, and beg leave to apologise for it, as well as to assure you of my readiness to make them every possible amends—but of this hereafter. If you should have no objection to receive me into your house, I propose myself the satisfaction of waiting on you and your family, Monday, November 18th, by four o’clock, and shall probably trespass on your hospitality till the Saturday se’night following, which I can do without any inconvenience, as Lady Catherine is far from objecting to my occasional absence on a Sunday, provided that some other clergyman is engaged to do the duty of the day. I remain, dear sir, with respectful compliments to your lady and daughters, your well-wisher and friend,
“WILLIAM COLLINS”
“YOU APPEAR TO be very fortunate in your patroness, Lady Cat,” remarked Mr. Bennet to his cousin after dinner.
Mr. Collins protested that “he had never in his life witnessed such behaviour in a cat of rank—such affability and cat-descension.” Lady Cat’s attention to everything from his choice of cushions to his brand of kitty litter all appeared very remarkable. Indeed, her consideration was beyond anything he could have anticipated. She had asked him twice