Risky Rockstar: A Hero Club Novel, стр. 67
I’ll be here stewing in my own guilt is what I should have written. I have experienced many regrets in my life, but faking an orgasm and lying to Kade is one I’m not going to be able to forgive myself for, for a long time. I don’t know why I don’t just tell him I let the pressure get to me. He’s an incredible guy, but I can’t seem to tell him about faking it with him. I don’t want him to see me differently. I want to be the Hayley he sees—hot, sexy, vibrant—but I can’t seem to give him that. What’s worse, I already told him I get lost in my head. I told him sometimes I struggle to come, and he was so incredibly sweet. Why then, after all that, did I still fake it?
Because I love him, and I can’t stand him seeing me as defective or broken or worse, frigid.
Lyrics pop into my head, and I jot them down on my phone.
Hurricanes and heartbreaks
How much more can we take?
Pull me to the eye of your storm…
My phone rings, interrupting my dark thoughts, and Bridget’s face appears onscreen. Her green eyes look tired, but there is a happiness shimmering in them that comes from being completely at peace.
I envy her.
Bridget squints at the screen. “Are you outside after eleven?”
“I am. It’s so peaceful out here.” I see myself on the bottom right corner, and I look like I’m the one who’s sleep-deprived. “How is it that you’re the one with the twins and I look like shit?”
“I pumped a ton of milk last night before bedtime, so Simon took the night shift. I swear he’s never hotter to me than when he’s letting me sleep.”
I laugh, curling my hands around my travel mug.
“Are you okay?” She looks concerned. “You do look kinda worse for wear.”
That’s the second time in as many days that someone has asked me that. God, I need to talk about this. To get it off my chest.
“Can I ask you something?” I take a deep breath. “Have you ever faked it?”
She looks confused. “Faked what?”
“An orgasm.”
“Goodness, no. Why would I want to do that? I’m definitely too selfish to fake anything. If it’s not working, something needs to change.”
My face falls. I was really hoping I wasn’t alone in this.
Bridget’s eyes widen. “Oh shit. You did. With Kade? But…why? Please don’t tell me he’s that hot, but terrible in bed.”
She looks absolutely horrified at the thought, and despite feeling like utter crap, I laugh. “No, he’s just the opposite. He’s freaking perfect.”
She tilts her head and scratches her chin. “So then …what’s the problem?”
“We had such an amazing night. He took me to Eaton Falls, and we had a moonlit picnic. Everything was perfect, Bridge. We laughed and ate, and the sex was incredible.”
“Wait. If the sex was incredible, why did you fake it?”
“God, I don’t know. I think it was the pressure. Everything was so incredible, and I didn’t want to ruin anything.” I place my mug down and rub my eyes.
“Why would you ruin anything? I’m sorry, I know I should be following, but I’m sleep deprived.”
“Because sometimes having an orgasm takes a really long time for me. And sometimes, it doesn’t even happen.”
“Oh, Hayles, why didn’t you just tell him? I’m sure he would’ve understood?”
“Because I did that already. We were at his place and I was so close, but I just couldn’t come, so I told him about Ethan. Then I had a really incredible orgasm when I was alone, and he called straight after and I told him about it. I don’t want him to think it’s him. Because he’s not the problem, I am. Plus…he won’t come if I don’t, and I didn’t want to do that to him again. The guy must’ve had a raging case of blue balls.”
The wind picks up and tugs more strands free from my bun. I place my mug between my knees and tuck the hair behind my ear. It’s getting nippy out, so I tug my sleeves down over my hands and pick up the warm mug to cradle again.
“Kade won’t come until you do? You need to lock that down. Marry him today.”
I laugh, but my chest tightens.
“Jokes aside, Hayles, you’re not the first girl this has happened to. I did a human sexuality course, and this is actually a lot more common than you think. Ten to fifteen percent of women never reach orgasm. Ever. It doesn’t make you cold or frigid. It doesn’t make you anything other than a woman facing a certain challenge in her life. And if you’re coming during masturbation and you say you nearly came with him before that, it means there’s hope. Ethan is a gigantic dick. Don’t listen to anything he says. You can’t let him get in your head. Talk to Kade. Tell him what happened. I’m sure he’ll understand, and you can work on a way to get you out of your head. Maybe something out of your comfort zone would help?”
I stare out at the moon’s reflection shimmering silver over the black water. “Any ideas?”
She chews her lip. “What about toys or something?”
“You mean like butt plugs and such?” I shake my head. “I’m trying to get out of my head, not make Kade think his cock isn’t enough for me.”
She laughs. “Toys don’t take away from the experience; they add to it.”
“I know, but until I can come with just Kade, I’d rather not bring butt stuff or a B.O.B. into the equation.”
“Fair point.” Bridget snort-laughs. “I have it. What about a crotchless latex outfit?”
I roll my eyes. “You’re having way too much fun with this.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry.”
“You don’t look sorry.”
She purses her lips to keep from laughing again. “What about handcuffs? You could tie yourself to the bed and Kade could ravish you.”
My palms go instantly sweaty. “I don’t know if I can do that? Remember that signing in Kentucky, the