Love and Sorrow (Small Town Secrets Book 5), стр. 77

It took me a second to realize he was talking about my one-time encounter with Kevin.  “Are you serious?  There’s no way this baby could be his.  He was wearing a condom.”

“Sure, he wears a condom.  Until you, I never went without.  But then you say, ‘I’m on birth control, Justin.  You don’t need to worry about it.’  So I trust you.  Then it’s not long after we move in together that you’re pregnant.  What the hell am I supposed to think?”

“You think I want to be pregnant?  Like it’s a joyride?”  Unable to stop myself, the tears began again and I dropped my head, knowing that I could say all I wanted to, but the more I’d try to assure him, the more he might doubt it.  Besides, I couldn’t stop sobbing enough to speak coherently anyway.

So we sat in the kitchen, silent except for my occasional sob, and I grabbed a napkin to dab at the moisture on my face.

After a while, Justin pushed the chair back from the table.  “I need some time to think.  By myself.”

I didn’t look up, instead allowing my ears to tell me what was going on.  His keys rattled as he scooped them off the spot on the coffee table where he’d been keeping them since moving in, and then he walked out the door.  After a bit, I could hear his truck outside as he started it up and drove away.

And then my eyes turned into waterfalls.  How I still had more tears in me, I’d never know.

* * *

I’d almost forgotten how horrible a crying hangover felt after a teary night.  Puffy eyes, red and sore, and a stuffy nose mirrored the pain I still felt inside.  But this sort of thing reminded me of my resilience.  As much as I hated that Justin had stayed gone all night long, I assured myself I was okay without him.  I still had the unborn child to figure out, but I’d wait.  I needed to put on my game face.

First, though, cold tea bags on my eyes.  After sipping a cup of coffee, I lay on the couch with my eyes covered, hoping I could get the swelling down enough that it wouldn’t be obvious by the time we went to my parents’ house.

Devon touched my shoulder, his small thin fingers warming my heart.  “I’m done with my bath, mom.”

Sitting up, I removed the tea bags, setting them on a saucer.  “What about Sarah?”

“She already showered.  It’s your turn.”

“Why don’t you get some breakfast, sweetie?”

“Sarah’s making it right now.”

No matter how wrecked my heart was, there was a part of it that beat for my wonderful children and, suddenly, I felt blessed.  Sitting up, I tousled his hair and smiled.  “I’ve got a couple of great kids, you know that?”

Grinning back, he gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.  “We have a great mom!”

“Go eat, honey.”

Then, willing my feet to move every step of the way, I walked to the bathroom realizing I no longer felt sad.  At some point that morning, my emotions had shifted.  Now, I was angry that Justin hadn’t returned since leaving the night before.  Apparently, he needed a lot of time to think.

Fuck him.  I don’t need him.  I was strong and I didn’t need a fucking man.  I was fine before he came into my life, and I’d be okay now.

So why the hell were the tears welling up again?

As the water poured down on me, though, I started wondering if maybe Justin had been right.  Sarah and Devon had both been unplanned and I’d been using birth control.  Had something inside me wanted to be a mother, no matter the cost?  I couldn’t believe that—but no fucking wonder Justin had come up with that theory.

Shutting off the shower, I grabbed a towel, reminding myself that what he thought didn’t matter.  It didn’t change shit—except, of course, that I’d have to go back to being a single mother again.  And that didn’t matter, either.  I’d already survived that fucking crucible.

I’d figure out what to do with the kids later while I worked my Thanksgiving shift.  If grandma and grandma couldn’t keep them around, maybe I could take them with me to work.  For now, though, I just had to put on a happy face—or at least an expression that didn’t appear miserable.

Mid-morning, the kids and I piled into the chilly van, and I scraped the windows while the heater warmed up the interior.  As we drove out of town and I eyed the dark skies, I thought the weather was an apropos reflection of what was going on inside.  As I sped down the highway, I realized I was craving a cigarette so badly, it made my mouth water.

Maybe being with my family would help—but I also knew it could have the opposite effect.

When we arrived an hour later, I fought against cursing when I spotted a rental car in my parents’ driveway, because it could only mean one thing.

Perfect Megan, my sister.

But maybe that wasn’t fair.  She wasn’t an enemy—nor were my parents, as much as I’d often wanted to think of them that way.

So I said to the kids, “Hey, guys, it looks like your cousins are already here.”  When Devon smiled and even Sarah’s eyes lit up, I told myself today might turn out to be okay after all.