Rattled, стр. 11
The guys I went to school with and live with are my family now. Similar histories and we feel damn lucky we ended up at Baxter when we were still teenagers. They’ll just never know that they were watching my mom that night.
I hate thinking about that night and wish I could bleach the image from my brain. I thought I had, until Kelsey and I started talking about the past.
She’s nothing like my mom. I get that now. It’s okay that Kelsey wanted a shot at a better life. But she made sure her daughter had the shot first, and it sounds like she made sure her little girl had the best chance anyone can have after coming into this world.
I sit back and study what I’ve done so far. There isn’t much left to do, but I want to double check names and dates. I’ve already triple checked them, but I’m always overly cautious when it comes to these details. After picking up the birth certificate, I compare the information and stop.
“You picked today on purpose, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.” Kelsey clears her throat. “I wanted to get it when she turned five, but I didn’t have enough money.”
“Six years. I can’t believe it’s been that long.”
“A lifetime ago,” she says.
“Yet almost like yesterday.”
Kelsey sighs. “My baby is six today. I know they must be giving her a big party, with a cake and balloons and presents.”
I glance up. There’s a small smile on her face.
“When I walk by the toy stores, sometimes I wander in and go down the aisles, looking at the kinds of things a girl her age would play with. Is she into Barbies? Dolls? Trucks?”
I laugh. “Trucks?”
“Just because she’s a girl doesn’t mean she can’t be into trucks.”
“Maybe she’s learning to play the piano,” I suggest. If she has even an ounce of the talent her mother has, then the child could be a protégé under the right guidance.
Tears fill her eyes. Shit, I should have kept my mouth shut.
“It shouldn’t be much longer.”
“I’m usually not such an emotional mess.” She sniffs.
“It’s okay.”
“Really, I don’t cry that often.”
“Hey, it’s not an easy day for you. You’re entitled to your tears.” I hand her the box of tissues again.
“I don’t think I’ve cried like this since last year.”
“And you probably won’t again until this time next year.”
“Probably,” she says before blowing her nose.
On a whim, I add the time after the date. Does Kelsey know that she turned into a watering pot about the time her baby was born six years ago today?
There’s a clock on the wall across the room. I’d been watching it since I got on the table. It’s silly, I know, and as much as I tried to hold back the tears, they began when the time struck 2:42 pm, the exact time Brandy was born.
I can still feel the tiny hand clutching my finger, and the soft, downy black head of hair, the weight of her head on my left breast, and hear the infant’s cries until they laid her on my chest. And feel the scalding tears roll down my cheeks when they took her away.
I know I did the right thing by giving Brandy up. It’s the only decision I’ve ever made that I had complete confidence in. It was also the most painful. A pain that will probably stay with me for the rest of my life.
My heart broke when Brandon was killed, but it shattered when they wheeled Brandy out of the delivery room and I knew that I’d never see her again. I think I cried for days after Brandy’s birth. I know that probably isn’t her name now, but she will always be Brandy to me. The one beautiful thing to come from my shitty youth.
She was such a beautiful baby. And she’s probably a beautiful little girl.
And today my heart breaks for Alex. How could his mother just abandon him in a restaurant? Didn’t she watch the news? Wasn’t she aware of how many creeps there are in the world? Something seriously horrible could have happened to him before he even made it to the fire station. And all so she could become a star.
Just like I’ll never get over the pain of giving up Brandy, I’m just as sure that Alex will never get over the pain of being abandoned by his mother.
“What are you going to do after graduation?” he asks, probably to get my mind off of my baby so I’ll stop crying.
“Well, I have a job interview tomorrow, to teach voice and piano.”
“Where at?”
“Baxter Academy of Art.”
He stops and straightens, looking at me. The corner of his mouth quirks in a smile. “Really? I hear it’s a great school.”
“Yeah. Me too.”
Baxter wasn’t just hiring a music teacher for next year. They had about a dozen slots to fill. “You know, they’re looking for new art teachers. There are too many students for just two teachers now.”
“Really?” He continues working as if he isn’t all that interested. “I just might look into that, if I don’t make the cut here.”
“Well, you could always come with me tomorrow and fill out an application while I interview.” I can’t believe I just asked him to come with me. A person shouldn’t take someone along when they go on a job interview. But it’s Baxter, and neither of us are strangers to the school. Plus, maybe having Alex with me will help with my nerves.
“Maybe I will,” he finally says. “Can’t hurt to have something else to go after if this doesn’t work out.” He sits back and is looking me over. Or at least the area where he just did the tat, not that I can see it. “I think it’s done.”
“Can I see it?”
“Yep.” He stands and holds out his hand to help me sit up. I clutch the towel to my breasts, even though I’ve pretty much been on display