Too Much and Never Enough, стр. 34

mark and promote himself would never have materialized without him. The success and the acclaim were due to Fred and his vast wealth. Any story about Donald was really a story about Fred. Fred also knew that if that secret was uncovered, the ruse would fall apart. In retrospect, Fred was the puppeteer, but he couldn’t be seen to be pulling his son’s strings. It’s not that Fred was overlooking Donald’s incompetence as a businessman; he knew he had more than enough talent in that arena for both of them. Fred was willing to stake millions of dollars on his son because he believed he could leverage the skills Donald did have—as a savant of self-promotion, shameless liar, marketer, and builder of brands—to achieve the one thing that had always eluded him: a level of fame that matched his ego and satisfied his ambition in a way money alone never could.

When things turned south in the late 1980s, Fred could no longer separate himself from his son’s brutal ineptitude; the father had no choice but to stay invested. His monster had been set free. All he could do was mitigate the damage, keep the cash flowing, and find somebody else to blame.

Over the next two years, Dad became more taciturn, more grim, and, if possible, thinner. The apartment in Sunnyside Towers was grey—grey because of the northwest exposure, grey from the unending clouds of cigarette smoke, grey because of his terrible moods. There were mornings when he barely managed to get out of bed, let alone spend a whole day with us. Sometimes he was hungover; sometimes it was his depression, which grew heavier. If we didn’t have anything scheduled, Dad often made an excuse to leave us alone, saying he had to work or run an errand for Gam.

Once Dad told us he had a job managing paperboys. I’d briefly had a paper route, and as far as I could tell that meant he was the guy who handed out the papers to the delivery kids from the trunk of his car, then collected the cash from them when they’d finished their routes. He told me once that he made $100 a day, which seemed like an enormous sum to me.

One evening, we were at the apartment having dinner with Dad’s girlfriend, Johanna. I preferred it when she wasn’t there; something about her was off-putting. She didn’t connect—or even try to—with me and Fritz. It was bad enough that she said things such as “Freddy, light me a fag,” considering she wasn’t British, but Dad started saying them, too.

We’d just finished eating when I started to recount the adventures I’d had with my mother at the bank that afternoon. While she had waited in the very long line, I had stood at one of the counters and filled out deposit slips with all sorts of aliases and wild sums of money I planned to withdraw in order to fund various schemes. I could barely contain how funny I thought the whole thing was. But as I told them about the secret identities, the secret withdrawals of cash, and my fiendish plots to disperse them, Dad got a wary look in his eyes.

“Does Mr. Tosti know about this?” he asked.

If I’d been paying closer attention, I might have known to stop, but I thought he was kidding, so I kept telling my story.

Dad got increasingly agitated, leaned forward, and pointed his finger at me. “What did you do?” As moody as my father could be, I’d rarely seen him so angry, and I’d almost never heard him raise his voice. I was confused and tried to retrace my narrative back to the point where he had started to think I’d done something wrong. But there was no such point, and my explanation about what had really happened only agitated him further.

“If Mr. Tosti finds out about this, I’m going to be in trouble with your grandfather.”

Johanna put her hand on Dad’s arm, as if to draw his attention away from me. “Freddy,” she said, “it’s nothing.”

“What do you mean ‘nothing’? This is really goddamn serious.”

I flinched at the curse word.

At that point both Johanna and I knew there was no talking him down. He was drunk and trapped in some old narrative. I tried to explain it to him, to steady him, but he was too far gone. And I was only eight.

In the summer of 1975, Donald gave a press conference during which he presented a rendering of the architect’s plans for the Grand Hyatt, as if he’d already won the contract to replace the old Commodore Hotel next door to Grand Central Terminal on 42nd Street. The media printed his claims as fact.

That same summer, just before Fritz and I were scheduled to leave for camp, Dad had told Mom that he had some news. She invited him to dinner. I answered the door when Dad rang the bell. He was wearing what he almost always wore—black slacks and a white dress shirt—but his clothes were crisp and his hair was slicked back. I had never seen him look so handsome.

While Mom tossed the salad, Dad grilled the steak on our small terrace. When the food was ready, we sat at the small table next to the terrace, propping the door open so the mild summer breeze could blow in. We drank water and iced tea.

“I’m moving to West Palm Beach at the end of the summer,” he told us. “I found a great apartment on the Intracoastal with a dock in the back.” He already had a boat picked out, and when we visited, he’d take us fishing and waterskiing. As he spoke, he seemed happy and confident—and relieved. All of us knew it was the right decision; for the first time in a very long time, we felt hope.

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Escape Velocity

I sat at the dining room table with the shoe in front of