Shameless (The Therapist #2), стр. 53

Chapter Thirty-Four

~ Malcolm ~

My life has been a journey, to say the least. I’m a relationship and sex therapist who’s great at giving advice, but not at taking it. I guess that’s fitting. If I had to sit myself down on my own couch and talk to myself, I’d say I have a problem that needs to be addressed as soon as possible, and it has nothing to do with how I treat my patients. It’s all about how I treat myself.

I know Ava is bad for me, but in the few days since I spoke to her last, I’ve had moments where I felt like I would die if I didn’t have her. I don't mean that in a way that suggests I miss her or love her. When I say I needed to have her, I mean I felt like I was going through withdrawals due to the lack of sex.

I’m aware I could put myself out there to meet someone new. I could meet a nice woman in a bar in Philly, or drive down to DC for a night on the town, and maybe I could even hook up with someone here in Dover. I’m not above one-night stands, by any means. I know I could still have an active sex life if I wanted to. That’s not the problem. My problem is that it’s Ava I want to have sex with, because nobody fucks the way we did.

Ava was the perfect submissive, and I’m the kind of man who needs a submissive. I crave the control that comes with it, and I’m obsessed with watching a woman orgasm from my touch. It’s what makes me who I am. I could try to fuck in the vanilla way the majority of the world does, but my dominance comes naturally. Fighting it is like telling myself I don't have to breathe in order to live. I do have to breathe. I do have to be dominant.

When I see my hard work and expertise paying off in the form of Tessa Milton or Sean Tillman, I can't help but be proud. Therapy helps people in so many ways, and all it takes is for the person to admit they need help and to seek it out. Admitting you need help is almost always the hardest part, and maybe that’s why this is so hard for me.

Am I an addict? Am I unable to control how badly I crave Ava? It must be the case, because who else would willingly accept all of the baggage that comes with her? Why subject myself to her issues and instability? As her former therapist, I knew her issues were bound to resurface sooner or later, but I went for it anyway. What does that say about me?

It says I was literally willing to place myself in harms way in order to get what I wanted, and that was sex with my perfect submissive. I was willing to risk things becoming too much for me to handle, and allowed myself to dive in with her, knowing it wouldn’t lead anywhere good. I knew it was never going to be anything long term, and I did it anyway. This is the behavior of addicts. This is how people who need help making the right decisions typically act, and that’s a tough pill to swallow.

When I reach my driveway, I pull in and put the car in park. Overall, today was a good day. I left my office knowing Tessa would go on and have a great life with her new boyfriend. I’m filled with nothing but hope when it comes to her, and I believe she’s going to do great. My life, however, needs a little maintenance.

As I climb out of the car, I’m hit with a fresh Dover breeze. The wind gently caresses my face, and I feel at ease as I start towards the front door. The sun is still out, and Delaware has decided to gift us with sixty-degree weather in the middle of February. It’s a good day to self-evaluate and make changes for the better. When I get inside, I know which phone call I have to make. I’m admitting I need help, and now I have to seek it out.

As I approach the front door, I fumble with my keys before finding the right one. I could’ve just gone in through the garage, but sometimes I like stepping out into the weather and feeling the elements on my face. It’s the small things that tend to make us the happiest.

As I push the key into the slot, I hear an engine rev up behind me and I instinctively glance back. When I see the car, my heart jumps in my chest, slamming into my rib cage like a deranged mental patient in a padded room.

It’s a dark Nissan, and it’s a few houses down. It approaches slowly, creeping closer while I stand in front of my door, frozen in place.

Ava.

What do I do when Ava approaches me? What do I say? Does she want sex or to set my house on fire like her last boyfriend? If she wanted sex, am I strong enough to turn her down right now? After the week I've had, I’m not sure I’d be able to turn her away if she wanted to go down into the Black House. Damn, I miss the Black House.

The car moves closer and I feel a little lightheaded.

Fuck.

What should I do?

What