Shameless (The Therapist #2), стр. 34
“Sous-chef.”
“You know what I mean. Anyway, so how long have you been a chef?”
“Sous-chef,” Scott says, his voice suddenly sharper this time around. “Anyway, it’s the only job I've ever had. I love it too much to do anything else. I’m thirty-three years old, and I imagine I’ll be cooking my entire life. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“That’s awesome.”
“Yeah? Why?”
“Because you're passionate about what you do,” I answer. “I’m not sure if I can say that about my job. It’s just what I do. I’m not necessarily passionate about it, I just do it. You’re one of the lucky ones who actually loves their work. I think there's a saying about not having to work a day in your life if you love what you do.”
“Yeah, it’s something like that,” Scott says behind a chuckle. “I suppose I am lucky. I’m also lucky that my dog got so dirty, too.”
I swallow a bit of wine as I furrow my brow. “Yeah, why’s that?”
“Because I ended up meeting you,” Scott answers, smiling. “I was excited when you walked over and started talking to me. The whole time I was sitting there, I kept thinking about how gorgeous and sexy you were. I’m too shy to initiate conversation out of thin air, though. I never know the right thing to say, so I was glad you spoke first.”
I take another bite of the delicious steak while I try to gather my thoughts. The last time I had a date, I was more honest than I’d ever been. I told Eric exactly how I felt about why we were at my apartment, and I got out of it what I was hoping to. Well, not exactly, but you get my drift.
Here I am now with another guy in front of me, and I’m not sure how to go about telling him I’m not looking to be his future wife. All I want is companionship for the night, or if he’s good, a few hookups every now and then. When a woman expresses feelings like that, there's so much judgement that comes with it, I’m hesitant to even go there.
I've lived my life inside of a box, and with Eric, I was able to break free from it. Each situation is different, however, so they each take special consideration. At the end of the day, the ultimate goal is to make sure I don’t end up back inside that box. I refuse to be caged again, so that means I need to keep going. Just like Dr. Colson said, I’ll be judged either way, so I may as well get what I want.
“Okay, I have a confession to make, because I don’t want to give you the wrong impression,” I begin, already feeling the shame I’m used to feeling from all the years of being talked down to by my mother. “Umm, I really appreciate you cooking for me and being so sweet. I’ve had a great time so far, and I think we get along, but…”
“Great,” Scott says, cutting me off. “You’re not looking for a boyfriend, right? You’re just looking for a friend, and I’m already being shoved into the friend zone.”
Dr. Colson’s words about how women are judged for every decision we make comes roaring back to me, and I have to take a beat to regain my footing.
“No. That’s not it at all,” I answer. “It’s the opposite in fact. I just got out of a relationship, and I’m not looking for anything serious. I just don’t want you to think that this is the start of some fairytale where we end up living happily ever after. That’s just not what I’m looking for right now.”
“I see. That’s interesting. So, what are you looking for?”
“I’m learning about myself these days. You know? Self cleansing. Taking time out for me, and all that feel-good stuff people say. I’m on a journey of self-discovery of sorts, and on this journey, I intend to learn about what I like and what type of guy I’m looking for. I’m fairly inexperienced, so I’m taking my time to experience new things.”
Scott frowns and tilts his head to the side while he weighs my words. “So, you're in a hookup phase? Like, you don't want to be committed to anyone because you just want to be single and bounce between random hookups?”
“Umm, I'm not sure I’d quite put it that way.”
“No? How would you put it? Because that’s what it sounds like to me. You want to hook up with a bunch of guys to see what you like, and you came here tonight to hook up with me, right?”
I start to formulate a response, but Scott cuts me off.
“Hey, I’m down with that if you are. It’s not every day you meet a woman who’s just cool with a casual hookup. Most women are always looking for a commitment. This is every guy’s fantasy.”
Feeling torn by how the air in the room has changed to something much less comfortable, I suck in a breath before speaking again. “Every guy’s fantasy? How so?”
“I mean, I hope this doesn’t sound rude, but all guys think about is sex and how we just want to be able to hookup with a woman without having to say ‘I love you’ and shit like that. We all want that slutty girl who just wants to get nasty and then go back to her place like nothing ever happened. You’re like the perfect woman.”
“Slutty girl,” I state, putting my fork down.
“Yeah. Wait, is that the wrong word? Is whore-ish better?”
“What? Are you kidding right now?”
“What?” Scott suddenly snips, raising his hands as if he actually doesn’t know how offensive he’s being. “I’m not trying to be rude, but you just said you wanted to be a slut. You want to fuck random guys, including me. Is that