Bone Lord 4, стр. 47
To my surprise, I saw a small, fast sailboat racing ahead of the vast Transcendent Sails Fleet, heading straight for us. On it was a handful of men in the gleaming full plate armor of high ranking Church of Light knights. Flying from the mast of the sailboat was the purple flag of parley. I wouldn’t trust a word from any of their crooked mouths and suspected that this incoming parley was merely some sort of delay or deception tactic, but I was interested to see what they had to say. I was also eager to make an impression on the commanders, one that would let them know exactly what they were in for.
I suited up in my gleaming black plate armor and hooked a grappling rope to the side of the ship.
“You’re going overboard in that armor?” Elyse asked.
“I’m not going for a swim. I’m going to be riding on the back of my whale. I think that’ll make just the right sort of impression. Say, the sun’s out, so why don’t you come along and use your Light powers to suit up in your golden armor? I bet that’ll make one hell of an impression too.”
Elyse nodded slowly. “It would, yes.”
I could hardly believe my ears. Maybe I had been a bad influence on Elyse. But I didn’t mind in the slightest. Hell, I even had a few thoughts about making her a death maiden or something along those lines. The maiden part, however, didn’t fit anymore after my romp with her.
“Come with me, then,” I said. “The outside of the whale doesn’t stink nearly as badly as the inside.”
She chuckled, and just a couple of minutes later, Elyse and I were riding on the back of the undead whale, making a beeline for the approaching sailboat. Elyse was looking resplendent in her golden plate armor, and she had her mace ready, crackling with Light power and ready to burn any of them to cinders if they tried anything. I had my Tree Crossbow attached to my wrist so that I could turn a knight into the first aquatic oak tree if necessary.
We came close enough to the approaching sailboat to see the whites of the knights’ eyes, and then I stopped my whale. They furled their sails and dropped their anchor, stopping too.
“Nice day for a little sailing trip, huh?” I said to them, flashing each of the five commanders my proudest grin.
“We have come to parley with you, unholy fiend,” the Grand Commander, a gray-haired, gray-bearded man said. His armor was inlaid with gold and etched with intricate scenes from the Book of Light. “Be grateful that we have given you this opportunity and not simply squashed you and your puny fleet like the vile insects you are.”
I chuckled and shook my head. “You certainly are an exemplar of the principle of humility that the Church preaches, aren’t you? Tell me then, grandpa, what your offer is. I’m listening.”
“I see that you have brought the apostate whore with you,” he sneered. The rest of them turned their disapproving, mocking glares in Elyse’s direction, and I could feel her bristling behind me. “Hand her over to us to be burned at the stake for her heresy and apostasy, as well as the apostate and traitor Rollar, who will also be burned at the stake for his crimes.”
“Apostate?” Elyse growled from beside me. “I’ve been... I’ve been excommunicated?!”
“By holy decree of Seraphim Elandriel himself.” The Commander smiled beneath his beard.
I wanted to turn him into a tree right then and there, but I figured Elyse had the honor of ending his life.
“You want to handle this?” I whispered to her, but she was too furious to speak. She didn’t raise her mace either.
The Commander continued, “Send messages out to all your heathen followers that the blasphemous Temple of Necrosis is disbanded and destroyed forever and command them all to return to the Church of Light to beg for forgiveness. If you do this and surrender yourself and the rest of your party, you will all be blessed with forgiveness for your sins from Seraphim Elandriel himself and then be given swift and merciful deaths.”
“You hear that, Elyse?” I said. “All I have to do is hand you and Rollar over to be burned alive, destroy the Temple of Necrosis, and then surrender to these shit stains, and I get to die a swift, merciful death, along with everyone else in my party. What a generous offer!”
“I would expect nothing less from such fork-tongued pigs,” Elyse growled, returning the men’s glare with full force.
“Sorry, guys, I think I’ll need some time to think about that,” I said.
I looked up at the sky and made a show of scratching my chin and tapping my feet. Then I ceased this mocking charade and flashed an evil smile at the five commanders.
“Okay, I’ve thought about it,” I said, “and I have a counteroffer, one I’m sure you’ll all love.”
“Speak, creature of darkness, and we will hear your counteroffer,” the Grand Commander said.
“How about instead of doing all that stuff you just said, you guys come over here to my whale, get on your knees and suck my balls, and then give me all 50 of your warships before jumping into the ocean and drowning yourselves? If you do that, I promise not to make all of your men die in excruciating agony in a couple of hours.”
“If this is your idea of a joke, I—” the Grand Commander started.
“Oh, it’s no joke, I assure you.” I smiled. “I’m dead serious. Come over here and suck my balls, give me your fleet, and then drown yourselves, and I’ll spare your men. That is my counteroffer.”
“So you have chosen death and suffering for yourself and everyone on your ships,” the Grand Commander said. “You selfish, arrogant fool! Once we crush your pathetic little fleet, I will personally light