The Mirror Man, стр. 65
They had largely left him alone after the news about Diana. Apparently, the abbreviated viewing with Charles Scott would count as the full four hours for the day. Even Brent had disappeared by the time Jeremiah had finally come out of the bathroom, and he used the solitude to formulate a plan. He wanted to research all the various ways a person could be murdered, to find the cleanest, most reliable method. But he knew they’d certainly be monitoring his internet use. Googling murder probably wasn’t the best idea. Instead, he played IF on his own, morphing into his avatar, steeling himself for the task taking shape in his mind. He tried to think like Clyde, to push away every trace of sympathetic thought. Clyde wouldn’t think twice about killing that clone. He probably would have done it a long time ago. Brent had left a final message on the sidebar of his screen: I’ll be there tomorrow. Keep quiet. Stay calm. I’m going to help you.
Eventually, he realized, he’d have to tell Brent what he was planning to do. The only conceivable way out of here would be with his help. And Brent knew the truth. He could be convinced. Maybe.
It would prove difficult, he knew, to hide his state of mind from Natalie Young. But he had the motivation he needed to do it. He’d have to concentrate, lock his intentions away in some dark corner of his mind and just fake his way through their conversations.
While he waited to be escorted to her office for their scheduled session the next morning, he took a few deep breaths and practiced a calm, unreadable expression.
“I know you’re hurting,” Dr. Young said before he’d even settled onto the couch. “You’ve had some time alone with it now. How are you coping, Jeremiah?”
“Fine,” he said. “I’ll be all right. I’m more concerned about Parker right now.”
“And you didn’t want to watch when the clone broke the news.”
“I didn’t think I could stand it,” he told her. “I didn’t want to see.”
“Why?”
“Because I wouldn’t have been able to say anything. I should be the one to tell him his mother died. I don’t want to listen to someone else do it. Don’t you see that, Natalie? I’m his father. It’s my job. They took that away from me.”
“Okay,” she said thoughtfully. “I suppose I can understand that. Have you thought about how you would have handled that conversation? What you would say to Parker if you were there?”
“Why should I?” he asked, his voice rising slightly. “What good would it do? I’m not there and, evidently, no one is going to let me out.”
“We can’t let you out. You know that.”
“That’s funny.” He smirked. “They didn’t have a problem letting me out when it suited their own interests.”
“That was different, Jeremiah. But you signed an agreement, remember.”
“Yeah, I signed a fucking contract. I know. The almighty contract.”
“You’re halfway through this, Jeremiah. You need to see it out to the end. I know it isn’t easy for you, with what’s happened, but quitting now isn’t going to change any of it. And these next months can give you some time. Some perspective.”
“I don’t need perspective,” he said. “I need to go home and be with my son.”
“These next six months here might be useful to you,” she said. “It may help to prepare you for the life you’ll be going back to. Things will be different now. You’ll be raising your son on your own. You might take some cues from the clone. Watching how he handles things might make it easier for you.”
“How he handles things? Really? You think that’s what I’m worried about? I know how to handle things. I want to get out of here and handle them. I want to get back to my son. He needs me. He needs his father.”
“This project needs you. There are billions of dollars in government funding at stake here, Jeremiah. Surely you can understand that this is worth a few more months of your time. It is worth finishing. And I’m here to help you. And you have Brent, too. You’re not alone, you know.”
Jeremiah cringed and balled his fists on his lap.
“You think I care about this experiment? I don’t give a fuck about the money or the science.” He stopped himself before he gave anything away out of anger. He took a deep breath and looked at the wall.
“Jeremiah,” she said after a moment, “I think you and I should take the Meld again. I need a closer look.”
He tried to conceal his alarm. Meld was the last thing he wanted right now. He couldn’t hide anything from her under the Meld.
“I don’t know,” he tried, “I don’t like that idea. I don’t think I want to go through that right now. Besides, we just took it.” He looked her square in the eyes. “Surely you can see that it’s dangerous, Natalie.”
She said nothing at first. But she didn’t deny it. She couldn’t.
“I know it can be frightening to face your own feelings,” she said finally, “but it’s important. I need a comparative baseline here. I think it’s warranted, under the circumstances. You’ve been through a lot. We need to really see how you’re doing, Jeremiah. This is all part of the program, and I believe it will help.”
“Well, when would we take it exactly?” he floundered.
“Now.”
He scrambled for a way out of it. There was absolutely no way he was taking that drug now. He couldn’t risk her catching a glimpse of what he knew, of what he was planning.
“If it’s all the same to you,” he said in as calm a tone as he could muster, “I’d rather hold off on it for a while. I want to