Every Vow You Break, стр. 14
She was beginning to get tired and shifted onto her side. Somehow the image of a boat stayed in her mind as she slipped into sleep, gliding effortlessly along a churning river, the rush of water in her ears.
She spent the next day with her mother. They had lunch in town at the Boxgrove Inn, then drove to a boutique clothing store in the next town over to look for a dress for her mom to wear to the wedding.
It was only when they got back home, each collapsing with a cup of tea in the living room, that Abigail asked her mother about the separation.
“Ugh,” Amelia said. “I don’t hate your father. Obviously, you know that. How could I? It’s just that … it’s just that we spent so long trying to get the theater to work, and that was where all our energy went. I just don’t have anything left to give him, and he knows that, too.”
“But you still care for him?”
“I do. Of course I do. Here’s the thing, Abby. When I think about my life—the rest of my life, I mean—if I stay with your father then I know exactly what it’s going to be like. But if we split up, if we each get another chance, then something else might happen. Something exciting.”
“You mean you might meet someone new?”
“It’s not just that, although I have thought about that. It’s just that I need space to be me, to change a little, to allow something to happen. It’s your father who’ll meet someone new, probably.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Let’s just say he falls in love too easily.”
Abigail sat up. “Has dad had affairs?”
“I don’t know,” Amelia said, lowering her voice even though they were alone in the house. “I wouldn’t call them affairs, but most summers when we were putting on shows, he’d fall in love with one of the actresses who came up. He was not good at hiding it. From me or from them. You remember Audra Johnson?”
“Sure.”
“I don’t think they actually had a sexual affair, but they definitely had an emotional one. It was a hard summer.”
“I’m learning so much,” Abigail said. Then she added, “You never …?”
“Me? No. I think, for me, being married, and being in business together, I was all in, all the time. That’s why I want a break now. Those twenty years, it was so much work, and now it just feels like … I wonder if it was worth it.”
“Mom,” Abigail said. “It was totally worth it. Think about what you accomplished, all the plays you put on, all the actors you employed, all the people who were entertained, who were intellectually stimulated. You made art.” Abigail was aware, even as she was saying the words, that she was parroting what the man from the bachelorette weekend had said to her. She felt a flush of feeling for that man whose name she never even knew.
“No, I know,” Amelia said, and put her mug down on the side table. “I keep thinking the same thing. Just because something ends doesn’t mean it didn’t have value. Your father and I …”
After a pause, Abigail realized her mother wasn’t going to finish the sentence and said, “I guess marriage is hard.”
“Maybe not for everyone, honey. Maybe not for you. We really like Bruce, you know that?”
“I know you do.”
“And we can’t wait for the wedding.”
“You won’t cry, will you?”
“I’ll try not to cry too much. Can’t vouch for your father. What do you want for dinner tonight? If I were here alone, I’d probably eat cereal.” She’d moved to the edge of the sofa, her hands on her knees, suddenly practical.
“Cereal sounds great.”
Abigail waited for her mother to rise and go to the kitchen, but she stayed seated for a moment, then said, “You know, Abby, we’ll always be a family, the three of us. That will never change.”
“I know, Mom,” Abigail said.
That night Abigail woke just before dawn, struggling up from a bad dream that slipped away as soon as she tried to recollect it. Her chest hurt, and there was perspiration in her hairline. She lay still for a little while, wondering if she’d be able to fall back to sleep, but her body tingled, as if she’d had too much coffee. She watched the bedroom window fill with gray light and thought about her parents. They’d never seemed so vulnerable to her as they did this weekend. Even so, it was clear to her that Bruce’s plan to fund the Boxgrove Theatre again was a nonstarter. Or seemed to be. Her mother wasn’t interested in going down that road again, and she wasn’t sure that her dad would have the energy, either.
Her train was leaving Northampton at ten that morning, and for a few minutes Abigail wasn’t sure she wanted to go back to New York. She didn’t necessarily want to spend any more nights in her childhood home consoling her parents.